An Open Letter to Army in Secunderabad Cantonment

Dear 'Top Officials' in Secunderabad Cantonment,

How's it going? I'm sure you are facing a tough time answering civilians about vehicular movement in our, sorry, your area. I'd like to apologize on their behalf. These civilians , including my parents, don't understand your predicament. As a civilian living in the cantonment limits, please allow me to justify your decisions to other civilian-kinds.

So listen up, all you civilian residents of Secunderabad Cantonment:

Reasons for road blockades
1. Hit and Run Cases
Civilians, you drive recklessly in the cantonment. Just because the congestion of city traffic doesn't allow you to test the horse power on your vehicle, doesn't mean you go to the cantonment and drive recklessly. Only military trucks and families of these personnel are allowed to do that in cantonment roads. Wait for my 9 month old son to grow up and he'll tell you how exhilarating it was to be almost sent off road by one of them trucks. We've never felt more patriotic. After all, this is how we all secretly want to die, don't we?

2. The Stress of Crossing the road
You know all about it, right? Trying to cross the road without being run over? Yeah. Same logic. If our jawans cannot contain traffic in their areas, how do you expect them to cross the road to go and train? This is a serious matter of national importance. Please let them cross the road. You all can take other routes and by lanes. Now go!

3. Porous area and security
Security of military installations is of utmost importance. Even you will admit this. The army has to prevent civilians like us from getting lost in the huge cantonment, getting frustrated and being a threat to military installations. After all, if civilians like my parents, who do not remember the route to their own homes aren't a threat, then who are?

4. Cannot compromise military security for civilian inconvenience
You civilians are so petty. You're just driving to and fro your workplace, stuck in hours of traffic everyday, to get to your 9-5 jobs. You call it a struggle? You've got to do what you've got to do and earn money. If you don't earn and pay taxes, how will you be able to fund for your security and peace of mind? So stop whining and drive a few extra kilometers everyday through the potholed roads, get back to work and pay taxes until you retire.

Please allow me, dear top officials, to offer some solace to my fellow civilians.

Here's a Civilian idiots guide to surviving the Secunderabad cantonment road blockade:
1. Get essential services like gas agencies, supermarkets, water tankers etc. to sign up for Amazon's drone delivery to your doorstep. How cool is that? Problem solved.

2. Plant more Money Plants (coz money just doesn't grow on trees). That will solve your growing expenses of paying for your fuel that you will incur taking longer routes. Saving on natural reserves? What's for? Don't worry. We'll all soon be rich to just bomb an oil rich country.

3. Addendum to point 2, if you are getting a pay hike, keep it aside for taxes. Don't account for fuel expenses in these as you will pay taxes to keep the defense allocation going. Just remember CORC - Conquer Oil Rich Countries.

4. Is a Loved one unwell? Need to rush to the hospital? Stressed about how EMRI Ambulances will reach you? Worry not. Hire Batman in case of medical emergencies. I'd suggest others but Batman is the best. He's got a pretty cool bat mobile - just the right vehicle for emergencies.

5. Got no time to take care of your house, since you are spending more time now commuting? Give your house on rent to an army officer. They get truckload of help. You're not wanted in "their" area anyways.

6. If you are going to miss seeing the beautiful cantonment, befriend an army officer or their family. They'll show you around without you even asking to. Security? What's security between children of defense personnel and their civilian friends!

If even these things don't help, don't go back to Andhra Sub area on your weekend, to fight over a Rs.20 sticker pass for your vehicle's entry in the cantonment. Drop me a mail and I'll send you a cool ”TORMENTED CIVILIAN” sticker that you can proudly stick on your vehicle. Free of cost. *offer valid only for civilians living in the cantonment*

There. I hope I've helped you army guys a little bit. Now please go cross the roads in peace.

Yours Sincerely,
A Tormented Civilian

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