Going Back in Time

What is the worse thing that happens to you when you are just sitting around and trying to concentrate on a really important thing at hand? Here are am, supposedly trying to concentrate on revision for my exam tomorrow, and this is what is striking me. I am constantly going into a derilious past from time to time. I think it has got something to do the many sleepless nights over the past few days.

What I remembered today may also be due to the fact that an aunt of mine has been pestering me to take up teaching as a profession, at the International School she teaches in. She said she'll recommend me for Economics (I won't deny that I am good at the subject and I have more than enough experience of teaching my friends, in return for yummy food everyday). Teaching a class full of kids might be quite intimidating and I must say I am not even considering this option as I am Chicken.

I am trying hard to fill my head with Accounting Standards and here comes the vision of my schooling days, Class 9 and 10. Everyone says it is the most important time of a student's life as a lot of crucial studying is done leading upto the Class 10 board exams. I don't remember the time when I was supposedly a part of that rigorous curriculum. It seems to have just flown past me, while I was seemingly very stationary. I don't remember a thing I learned or any event from school in those days, funny enough as I remember so many things upto Class 8.

That may plainly have to do something with the fact that I had lost 4 very dearly loved ones in the span of less than a year. One due to prolonged illness and the other three shock departures. Living a joint family, losing two uncles in consecutive months, then losing grandfather and grandmother, was probably the most difficult period of my life. And all through, my studies suffered. There were so many people in the house, yet I felt so alone. The most important thing I learnt at that time would have to be to show emotions, whatever they may be. Keeping them locked up did more harm than good.

I was shifted from the A section, that was supposed to be the place where all the "Bright & Intelligent" students were put up, to B section which as you may have guessed was for students needing more attention in studies. I had been a fairly good student throughout, always in the top ten. And to be shifted to Section B was a sort of a blow. Just like other Section A students, I had never interacted too much with the Section B students. I was initially scared at the prospect of losing friends and worse, having no friends at all in my new class.

I regard being sent to Section B as one of the best things to have happened to me in my schooling days. I topped my class, as expected, and scored better than most students in Section A. I had learnt to fight back from being pushed down. I was determined to get back to Section A at any cost. But the best thing I had learnt was a lesson in friendship. I made friends with the entire Section B and they welcomed me there with open arms. I wasn't the topper of my section yet when I became their friend. They didn't want to befriend the toppers, they wanted to befriend me. I had some support.

The only place I was disappointed was the teachers. I was treated shabbily to say the least. Branded as a failure for being shifted to Section B, I was seen only as the student shifted. No one had bothered to see the reason for decline in my performance. I see all these english movies where they have counsellors and all, I think our education system surely needs one. Teachers these days hardly command any respect and that needs to change. Teachers need to be role models and inculcate good virtues and instill confidence among their students. I felt so let down in those days, had it not been for the support of friends, I dont think I'd have even cleared my class 10.

I always want to be a good role model, for anyone who is looking for one. Teaching is a noble profession and I would love to be a part of it. But I am not ready yet I guess. I still have some time on my hand and I would like to explore that possibility in the future. Someday.

I'm wondering if anything written here makes any sense, but then, Life itself....makes no sense.

An experience with ANGELS

Everyone talks of Angels. Angel of Love, Angel of death, Angel of life. There's supposedly an angel for everyone. I finally saw the angels. The Angels of HAPPYNESS.

It was an impulse visit to an orphanage. Well, you cant really call it that. Lets say it was a home for children of convicts, run by a local nun, voluntarily. In all, I met 26 little girls of all ages and the moment I stepped inside the home, I knew I was going to witness something special.

It started out as a dull day. A Sunday, which is when I like to laze around for most part of the day, watching movies, reading books and doing something that is totally going to waste my time. Ma suddenly laid this news on me that we have to visit her best-friend and colleague for lunch today. Instantly I became irritated and said I didn't want to go. She kept asking me why and I continued to hide the real reason from her. Eventually, I let the tear-gates open. The real reason I didn't want to go was coz I was afraid of facing the humiliating feeling of people commenting on my face, which had begun to be laden with acne again after some really stressful days. I had been getting the usual oh-what-happened-to-you and do-something-or-no-one-will-want-to-marry-you comments. I normally resort to saying that I would rather marry someone who likes me for my mind rather than one who puts me up on for face value. That is in fact the truth, but still, when the barrage of comments don't stop, you feel a little low.

Ma gave in and said I needn't come if I didn't want to. Then something inside me told me, "Why are you giving up? Why are you being such a coward? What happened to you? Why can't you face the people like before?". I replied to this inner voice saying, "What if I broke in front of others? What will the others think of me?"...Slap came the reply I always knew, but something that needed to be re-inforced back to me. It said, "Since when have you started caring for what others say? This problem will not go away in a day. If you are going to cry, it is alright. Crying is never a sign of being weak. It takes courage to cry in front of people you hardly know too. Just go out there and take every minute as it comes. Just be yourself". I knew I had to follow the voice. I had been taken under the spell of the real me.

And so I went. The day was better than I expected. I got no such comments I expected to hear. We did a lot of meaningful talk before we decided to go visit this place. My sister had been saving money to donate on her birthday. We enquired if they would take the money. Instead, we were asked to bring something that the kids wanted. A small portable music system. Me and Ma got a good music system and a few cassettes for them to play in it. And off we went to the home where angels live.

The moment I got down the car, I must admit I WAS a bit nervous. Never having interacted with kids who have no parents, or parents who are convicts, I didn't know what to say. Soon I realised, I was worrying about something immaterial. Soon I was no longer talking inside my head as it was to be filled with the sounds of divine angels.

Every little girl wanted to shake my hand. Every little girl ran up to me and told me, "Good Morning, Akka(Big sister)". I could hear most girls speaking in telugu, and I am no good at speaking it. I wondered how am I going to converse with them, when suddenly one girl came up to me and said, "My name is Jyoti. There are three-three Jyotis here. What is your name Akka?" Almost every one of those 26 girls spoke fluent english.

As we sat in there, I sat on one of the chairs there with my parents and the nun, the kids put mats on the ground and took their places. I discovered that Jyoti had come to sit right near my feet. And she didn't lift her gaze from me for most of the time. I felt like a celebrity, I must admit, but yet very humbled. Jyoti got up and brought the youngest girl of the home to me. Jyoti is herself around 7 yrs of age and this little girl must have been around 3. She came and sat in my lap and Jyoti at me feet, playing with the little girl's hands.

The girls greeted us by singing songs, all in tune and beautifully sung. Followed it up with two dances and then a song again. I tell you, I really wanted to dance with them. I was having the best experience of my life. I spoke to them about which schools they went to, which class they studied in and their favourite songs and movies. As the girls did their little presentations, we were getting to know more about how things go on at the place. The girls had sponsors and were being sent to good schools around the city. More help was found to be wanting. And No. They were'nt being converted. The Sister said the most beautiful thing I have heard recently, "I let them follow any religion they want. I only want them to be responsible members of the society". And I know they will.

As I left from there, I saw how happy the girls were. They had little material comforts, but they had each other. I could see that the bonding among them was fabulous and endearing. Every girl was super confident and I am sure some day, they will do really well. My spirits were lifted at once after this visit, as Jyoti came up to me and gave me a little peck on my cheek and asked me when I will be visiting them again. I want to do more and spend more time with these angels. My association with them will continue for a long while I know, as everyone needs their angels. I need mine too.

Travel WITHOUT motion

I don't travel, yet I do.

My mind is a wanderlust. So is yours. It travels to places I can't go at the present. But it brings with it, the hope and promise of a day to come, a day I can give my life for. It explores my fantasies, my hopes, my fears. Takes me on the paths yet unexplored, yet egging me on everyday to make these travels a reality.

It helps me live the life which I dont physically, nor spiritually think myself capable of leading. It gives me the hope and confidence, when those tend to drift away from me. It brings out the true essence of me, the other me, the real me.

In a life demanding you to be multi-faceted; sometimes a clown, sometimes a diplomat, sometimes opinionated, sometimes biased, behind the charade...it helps the keep the spirit of ME. In my mind, I am the real me, which no one sees, which no one wants to see or rather as I say as a brute, which no-one is capable of seeing.

I confront my fears in the easiest of ways, I find simplest of solutions to my problems, I find everything I ever wanted..In my mind. I am content and Happy with what I have. I am the real me.

It helps me see that material things aren't important. It shows me a life, larger and meaningful than I ever thought it to be. It makes me believe that I can see beauty in everything I want to see. As long as I stay the real me.

This is to you, my spirit, my mind, my soul. You make me feel bigger than I ever thought I can be. And with you, I can rest be assured that, I will continue to Travel sans motion...for an eternity.
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