It doesn't make any sense. This life. And the unexpected turns it takes.
I came back home early on Wednesday. So that I can spend time with loved ones while everyone in college wanted me to stay back. Spend time to reconnect with family members where relationships once treasured were souring in the last few years. I loved them all, despite whatever I said to the contrary. Shopping was also big on my list and I was to begin on Saturday.
Saturday. Another day of the week I'm going to come to hate.
I did go shopping. For clothes, as I'd already planned. But not for me. For the last clothes I'd ever buy for her. For the last saree she was ever going to wear and be cremated with. I still cannot believe she's gone.
She came back to me last night. In dreams filled with visuals of all the moments I'd spent with her. Her remarks when I asked her as to how we shared the same birthday: that I was her gift from god when she asked him for a birthday present and for many years I believed that. The one of a kind dal that only she could make, filled with warmth and love that only Mumma or Dadi could match. The hugs that were so natural as a kid which slowly drifted as we grew older. Those days of shopping for brothers on their wedding. Those days that I came back everyday from my work at the CA firm -tired and hungry. That laugh that still echoes.
It still haunts me. The last movie in theatre that we saw together. SAAWARIYA. Around 10 of us. And she was bored from the beginning. "Yeh Hero to ekdum chhokri jaisa lagta hai" , She said. It was fun. She was fun. Despite all my growing tempers all these years against everything, I still loved her. Coz she loved me and I sure did hurt her by openly flaunting my displeasures.
Two weeks ago when I came to know she was bed-ridden, I spoke to her on the phone. She said, "I'll be alright in time for your wedding". I came to meet her on Wednesday, the day I came back to the city. She looked discomforted, but then not such that anyone could imagine she would leave us so suddenly.
While we waited at the hospital and kept hearing about her sinking state, Jolly kept saying, "Keep faith. Mobilize energy. I'm sure if we're positive, she'll be fine soon". We tried. We lost. She died in the same hospital she lost her husband at. And I've lost three loved ones in that building now. I cannot bear to look at it once more.
As we stood there to pay respect to her lifeless body there, I could not hold back the tears I'd been holding all day. The wedding will not be the same without her. When I was younger, she was the only surviving person with whom I'd discussed my wedding and she'd always been the one most excited about it. I'd decided to let her know before I came here that I'd want her to be there, right there with Mummy Papa for all the rituals. With her gone now, I cannot cannot cannot imagine how things would be. How our lives would be. We'll move on in due time. But then, I'm going to regret that last moment that I saw her alive and I didn't hug her even when I really wanted to.
I wish I'd hugged you and told you that I love you and I'm sorry for being so rude in the last few years. I wish...
I'm going to miss you Kanak Bua. I still cannot believe you and I are not going to celebrate our birthday together ever again.