I had a dream, maybe it is god's way of reminding me that its not so easy to let go of the past. Especially a past for which you should be ashamed of. Sometimes you do things that are beyond your own understanding capabilities. You hurt the ones you care for the most. Why do we do that?? Why do we have to hurt someone whom we absolutely and terribly cannot dream of living our lives without? And then, when its too late, things still dont make any sense.
I had a dream, about someone who's always been there for me, who's always protected me, has been my guardian angel for so long that I cant even recall. He was the smartest, funniest and the best person I've known. He still is all that to me. And a month ago, I cut him out of my life, simply because I was scared of hurting him further. He is a self-proclaimed "punching bag", as he calls himself. The thing is, even punching bags burst someday, and I think I stretched him to the limit. And when I was entering one of the worst phases of my life, I decided that I dont want to hurt him anymore. He is someone who genuinely cared, maybe still does, and he will not admit it, but sometimes it feels that he'll be much better off without me.
People used to say I am a good friend. That was four years ago. I am not the same person I was back then. A lot has changed around me. A lot has changed within me. For the worse. Sometimes I go into the forgidden territory and look back to what I was and what I have become now. I try too hard to go back to old times, be the old me, but the new me is so powerful that it defeats the old me without a whimper.
Future is what scares me sometimes. Only my "punching bag" had a complete idea of what goes inside this stupid, naive brain of mine. I cut a lot of people from my life, who called themselves my "friends", but never really cared. I didnt regret that decision. But my punching bag. I thought what I did was for his own good. He does not deserve my occassional blasting. He always took it with a pinch of salt and finally hit a point when he started to lose his cool, occassionally, not always. But he always stood by me.
I dont know if I am making any sense now. I dont even know why I am writing this. Maybe coz I had a dream, and dreams are supposed to be a sub-conscious state of what you are thinking while you are awake. The other day, while driving back home, mom asked me, "How come you don't talk of him anymore?". I was silent. "Is everything ok??". I said "Yes". Maybe she noticed me struggling to wipe off tears, and she did not prod further. He did not deserve the treatment I gave him. He has always been one of the most important peices of the jig-saw puzzle that is my life, but let's say for the time being I hid the piece coz I had handled it so badly that it was tearing at the ends. Maybe I am being protective, maybe I am being stupid, as always. But as he always said, "It has always been you who has decided how our relationship goes".
I dont want to be the one who hurts you anymore and I think you are better off without me in your life. Am I better of without you? ....... I dont find myself equipped with answering that, coz till now I thought this was for the best for both of us. But if it was, why do tear drops dampen my cheeks as I write this?? Why do I feel like the most loathesome creature when I hear your name?? Why do I still look at your name is my cell phone when I feel really low and I need some strength??
I dont know the answers to all this. But I know one thing for sure. I am not willing to be the one who hurts you anymore. I dint think I can live with that. Saying THANK YOU will be an insult to whatever you have done for me. I hope and wish for the best things for you and... I am finally out of words.....and if this ends abruptly, let it be so. Coz every story doesnt have an ending. Maybe ours doesnt either...and I'm hopeful that its still being written.
