Life's Lessons!!

I had a dream, maybe it is god's way of reminding me that its not so easy to let go of the past. Especially a past for which you should be ashamed of. Sometimes you do things that are beyond your own understanding capabilities. You hurt the ones you care for the most. Why do we do that?? Why do we have to hurt someone whom we absolutely and terribly cannot dream of living our lives without? And then, when its too late, things still dont make any sense.

I had a dream, about someone who's always been there for me, who's always protected me, has been my guardian angel for so long that I cant even recall. He was the smartest, funniest and the best person I've known. He still is all that to me. And a month ago, I cut him out of my life, simply because I was scared of hurting him further. He is a self-proclaimed "punching bag", as he calls himself. The thing is, even punching bags burst someday, and I think I stretched him to the limit. And when I was entering one of the worst phases of my life, I decided that I dont want to hurt him anymore. He is someone who genuinely cared, maybe still does, and he will not admit it, but sometimes it feels that he'll be much better off without me.

People used to say I am a good friend. That was four years ago. I am not the same person I was back then. A lot has changed around me. A lot has changed within me. For the worse. Sometimes I go into the forgidden territory and look back to what I was and what I have become now. I try too hard to go back to old times, be the old me, but the new me is so powerful that it defeats the old me without a whimper.

Future is what scares me sometimes. Only my "punching bag" had a complete idea of what goes inside this stupid, naive brain of mine. I cut a lot of people from my life, who called themselves my "friends", but never really cared. I didnt regret that decision. But my punching bag. I thought what I did was for his own good. He does not deserve my occassional blasting. He always took it with a pinch of salt and finally hit a point when he started to lose his cool, occassionally, not always. But he always stood by me.

I dont know if I am making any sense now. I dont even know why I am writing this. Maybe coz I had a dream, and dreams are supposed to be a sub-conscious state of what you are thinking while you are awake. The other day, while driving back home, mom asked me, "How come you don't talk of him anymore?". I was silent. "Is everything ok??". I said "Yes". Maybe she noticed me struggling to wipe off tears, and she did not prod further. He did not deserve the treatment I gave him. He has always been one of the most important peices of the jig-saw puzzle that is my life, but let's say for the time being I hid the piece coz I had handled it so badly that it was tearing at the ends. Maybe I am being protective, maybe I am being stupid, as always. But as he always said, "It has always been you who has decided how our relationship goes".

I dont want to be the one who hurts you anymore and I think you are better off without me in your life. Am I better of without you? ....... I dont find myself equipped with answering that, coz till now I thought this was for the best for both of us. But if it was, why do tear drops dampen my cheeks as I write this?? Why do I feel like the most loathesome creature when I hear your name?? Why do I still look at your name is my cell phone when I feel really low and I need some strength??

I dont know the answers to all this. But I know one thing for sure. I am not willing to be the one who hurts you anymore. I dint think I can live with that. Saying THANK YOU will be an insult to whatever you have done for me. I hope and wish for the best things for you and... I am finally out of words.....and if this ends abruptly, let it be so. Coz every story doesnt have an ending. Maybe ours doesnt either...and I'm hopeful that its still being written.

5 Observations:

  1. --xh-- said...:

    snrithi, i am not some one who can give advice to you, but judjing from wht you haev wrote, i dont think it is a wise decision from your part to cut him offf ocz u dont want to hurt him more.. did you thik abt the hurt you r giving him whn u cut him off?
    In life, there will be sweet moments adn sorrow moments.. and peopel who does care for us will get hurt by us once in a while.. it is ok...
    you dont have to cut him off for this..
    strangly, your tale reminds me of the lover who killed his beloved @ her prime youth coz he loved her beauty so much that he dont want to witness her beauty deteriorating with time...

    go back and talk to him, and get him back in your life.. iot may be the best present you can gift to yourself...

    sorry if i sound harsh, but had to tell you this da.. i ahev lost some of my good friends coz of this ' i dont wnat to get close to u coz i will end up hurting you' stuff.. and teh worst part is, they never realised that they where hurting me more by cutting me off...

  1. Frankly speaking I've done something like this before with the same person...and I begged my way back. This time I dont think he'd want me back...he'll probably not want the same treatement again...coz I dunno, I think he's given up one me too. Earlier at least he fought, now I know for a fact that I hurt him far more than ever before.

    Nevertheless, thanks for all the words you've said and making me listen to my heart. You said exactly what my heart says. But it seems to me tht he is happy without me in his life. I dunno. I just wanted to pour my heart out.

  1. Nithin Jayan said...:

    Well I think it's high time to buy copyrights for feelings running amok inside the have company...i can understand (to an extent) your exact position now...I've suffered similar things many times in my life...It has just been months since I had to 'cut-off' one of my dearest ones from took really a long time to recover...however it still burns in one corner of ma ventricle(can't specify which one right or left..!!!)
    So cheer-up's not fair always right...
    (dat was about one of the relations...where i played your role. I have another one too...where I am a 'punching bag'...but that relation still has the green signal.Hope god never decides to turn it red)

  1. Vishnu said...:

    hmm.. we all have choices, we are free to do wat we like...there is no such thing as a right or wrong choice.. but we are always answerable to ourselves for its outcome..

    so theres no point listening to wat others say, coz the answer lies within..find it..

  1. Alok said...:

    I wonder now how spontaneously somebody can put the heart out with all that transparency. Here, I don’t know how much sense I can make either but one thing the struck to my mind is that it is never an easy task to let go anything in the life, especially the ones that makes your life full. After reading your post I was quietly thinking for sometime … why, why ? on the earth some body has to take a left, a right or a U turn to follow a straight road in front of them . Hmm! Why don’t people see life as a straight road or they do? Somehow I am never convinced with the fact that people never choose their way out but it’s the circumstance that decides it…

    I don’t know how difficult it could be and how a decision can trigger this ever changing life to a completely different world. What I know is that we live with our dreams and sometime they will only die with us. Every dream has its on destiny and every moment spent towards seeing it turning true is just next to impossible to forget; however at the same time it is also difficult to trace back and get hold of it because it was not completed in the past and same time it has to grow with the future … and in between the present we struggle to catch up with the time …. The time that never stops for anybody and keep on reminding us to move on with it to catch up with our dreams… Wish you the luck & god bless you.

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