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It doesn't make any sense. This life. And the unexpected turns it takes.

I came back home early on Wednesday. So that I can spend time with loved ones while everyone in college wanted me to stay back. Spend time to reconnect with family members where relationships once treasured were souring in the last few years. I loved them all, despite whatever I said to the contrary. Shopping was also big on my list and I was to begin on Saturday.

Saturday. Another day of the week I'm going to come to hate.

I did go shopping. For clothes, as I'd already planned. But not for me. For the last clothes I'd ever buy for her. For the last saree she was ever going to wear and be cremated with. I still cannot believe she's gone.

She came back to me last night. In dreams filled with visuals of all the moments I'd spent with her. Her remarks when I asked her as to how we shared the same birthday: that I was her gift from god when she asked him for a birthday present and for many years I believed that. The one of a kind dal that only she could make, filled with warmth and love that only Mumma or Dadi could match. The hugs that were so natural as a kid which slowly drifted as we grew older. Those days of shopping for brothers on their wedding. Those days that I came back everyday from my work at the CA firm -tired and hungry. That laugh that still echoes.

It still haunts me. The last movie in theatre that we saw together. SAAWARIYA. Around 10 of us. And she was bored from the beginning. "Yeh Hero to ekdum chhokri jaisa lagta hai" , She said. It was fun. She was fun. Despite all my growing tempers all these years against everything, I still loved her. Coz she loved me and I sure did hurt her by openly flaunting my displeasures.

Two weeks ago when I came to know she was bed-ridden, I spoke to her on the phone. She said, "I'll be alright in time for your wedding". I came to meet her on Wednesday, the day I came back to the city. She looked discomforted, but then not such that anyone could imagine she would leave us so suddenly.

While we waited at the hospital and kept hearing about her sinking state, Jolly kept saying, "Keep faith. Mobilize energy. I'm sure if we're positive, she'll be fine soon". We tried. We lost. She died in the same hospital she lost her husband at. And I've lost three loved ones in that building now. I cannot bear to look at it once more.

As we stood there to pay respect to her lifeless body there, I could not hold back the tears I'd been holding all day. The wedding will not be the same without her. When I was younger, she was the only surviving person with whom I'd discussed my wedding and she'd always been the one most excited about it. I'd decided to let her know before I came here that I'd want her to be there, right there with Mummy Papa for all the rituals. With her gone now, I cannot cannot cannot imagine how things would be. How our lives would be. We'll move on in due time. But then, I'm going to regret that last moment that I saw her alive and I didn't hug her even when I really wanted to.

I wish I'd hugged you and told you that I love you and I'm sorry for being so rude in the last few years. I wish...

I'm going to miss you Kanak Bua. I still cannot believe you and I are not going to celebrate our birthday together ever again.

Hates placements!

Not that they mattered to me. I knew from the minute I stepped into ACJ that there was little chance of me walking out with a job. Always knew I'd have to fend for myself later on and I'm sure something worthwhile will come my way. But even so, I hate placements.

It doesn't feel nice to see some very deserving students losing hope after not getting placed anywhere, four days into placements season. Some of the brightest people are still awaiting calls to be interviewed. It is depressing to see these grim faces and the campus feels like a prison.

I hope things change soon around here.

Roomie Woomie Haaye Rabba!

Room 101 ACJ Rocks!! (Wall art by Amma)

One of my roomies is singing really loudly even as I am typing this. I think she is singing "Hum Aapke Hain Kaun". Wait. Lemme check.

*tip toes to the other side of the room. Peeks. tip toes back*

Err. It is an unrecognizable Telugu song.

Now, I've been thinking lately about my first few days here at ACJ. With no known friends (of course, immediate roomie I'd met during the interview and told her I'm getting married soon and she suggested I run away, assuming that it was an arranged marriage :P); I was like "What have I done? Why have I come here?". But soon, I realised I have the best possible roomies that I could get.

Proud to say ours is the coolest and the most peaceful room in the entire hostel (me and my roomies think so :P). Here is a few reasons why:

Reason # 1: We are simply the best combination of room-mates. Three Hyderabadis and One Japanese...errr...Pune-ite (Now THAT is something that can get me killed....) :P

Reason # 2: We have the most adorable 'adopted roomie' in the whole not-so-wide hostel. Her laptop goes by the name of "Pupul Chatter-PC". HOW COOL IS THAT? :)

Reason # 3: We don't communicate like normal mortals do. We chat. Online. Sitting across two beds in the same part of the room or even sitting in ANY PART OF THE ROOM. We chat. ONLINE. Beat that!

Reason # 4: We have an awesomely balanced sense of humour. Two tell legen....wait for it....dary jokes, one tells pathetic jokes and one...well, finds everything a joke. The adopted roomie is a walking, talking, jumping, 4'10 joker. She'd make Heath Ledger proud I say.

Reason # 5: No one smokes or drinks here (well drinking occasionally doesn't count as drinking, right?). We don't fight, we just bug each other a lot.

Yeah. That's that. I THINK my roomies are the best. Original and adopted combined. Ok?? OK.

What's that noise? Oh. It is roomie again. I think NOW she's singing Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.

NO.

It is some Telugu movie song again. DAMN!

Roomie Woomie Haaye Rabba!

Love - AAJ KAL

Was just talking to roomie about a couple of '89ers displaying a proud status message "IN A RELATIONSHIP" on Facebook. This is what my newsfeed was showing, about one such couple, who went from being in a relationship... to single.

Sigh! Love aaj kal.

(click on image to read)

THE BLUE MUG

Pic source: Deccan Chronicle

The Blue Mug - A play featuring Ranvir Shorey, Rajat Kapoor, Konkana Sen Sharma, Vinay Pathak, Sheeba Chaddha and Munish Bharadwaj.

The play spoke about memories - and how important it is to our lives. All the characters depicted memories that they remembered...something close to their heart. Most of it was part of the act but god did I enjoy the play.

Speaking of memories.

I will always remember THESE from today:

1) I was not keen on going for the play but after insistence from the gang, I gave in.

2) Until this day, I always assumed I was a "non-play" kind of person. Today I know I'M NOT! I LOVED IT.

3) This was the first time ever that I'd gone to see a play IN MY LIFE. (Pooja's reaction was just priceless when I told her that...It's not a big deal you know Poo bear :P )

4) I met Ranvir Shorey, Rajat Kapoor, Konkana Sen Sharma and Vinay Pathak after the play and rued the fact that I didn't get a camera with me.

5) Realized how approachable these actors were and now know the true worth of stage plays. (Konkana was so sweet... An old man had come to talk to her after the play and she went up to him and said Namaste! It was so natural. It was such a wonderful feeling. Ranvir stood next to me, with a wonderful smile on his face. He looked at Konkana with pride. He left with her, hand in hand, after she was done talking to the old man.)

It was a truly wonderful day for me. I'll remember it for a very long time.

Thanks Ye ACJ Bunch. I LOVE YOU GUYS! :)

Happiness!

All my life, I've tried to understand what true happiness is.

Was it when I got good grades?

Was it when I got my scooty?

Was it when I finally did what I wanted to?

I kept thinking even as happiness ensued me.

HAPPINESS:

was when I went home last diwali and felt like a daughter

was when he told me money will come, moment may not

was when he shared tiny yet significant moments of his life with me

was when mumma told me she called him up 'just cos she felt like it'

was when I was down with fever and for the first time someone took care of me, just like I'd imagined

was when we went to eat kulfi in the middle of the night

was when I realized how complete my life is

was when I realized I can be happy without buying something material

was when I watched a youtube video which made no sense to me, yet was familiar coz it reminded me of him

Happiness is all these small things which bring a smile to your face...and it comes in doses.

Right when you need them. :)

100 TRUTHS

Have been having a hard time posting something up. Have found on previous occassions that 'tags' are my answer to this blog-block: HERE GOES 100 TRUTHS (a tag I flicked off Renu Aunty's blog)

1. Last drink: Water

2. Last phone call: Snehal Patel (fiance)

3. Last text message: Shreedutta Vasudeva (Chids)

4. Last song you listened to: 'Before the Dawn' by Evanescence

5. Last time you cried: 22 February 2010

HAVE YOU EVER...
6. Dated someone twice: Still dating Snehal Patel...over a million times :P

7. Been cheated upon? Nope

8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes

10. Been depressed? PLENTY of time

11. Been drunk and threw up? Drunk (unintentionally), yes. Threw up, NO.

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:
12. Lavender
13. White
14. Beige

FIRSTS :
15. Made new friends: Asian College of Journalism, Chennai

16. Fallen out of love: Too deep in it to fall out of it :)

17. Laughed until you cried: Almost always :)

18. Met someone who changed you: Yes. My Fiance.

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. :)

HAVE/YOU:
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Plenty

23. How many kids do you want to have: Two.

24. Do you have any pets: No

25. Do you want to change your name: No.

26. What did you do for your last birthday: Had a party at a rooftop hotel, just for family.

27. What time did you wake up today: 7 am for a damn 'photo shoot' (otherwise I'm up by 8:30)

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Reading something on KERS

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Starting a new life with my better half.

30. Last time you saw your father: January 27 when I went home for the Republic day holidays.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: NOTHING. Whatever needed to be changed, has already been.

32. Most visited web page: ACJNEWSLINE :P (To keep checking if our links work properly)

Whats your:
33. Name: Smriti

34. Nicknames: DD, Deeds, Deedee, Sammi, Sam, Smutty, Smartie, Smarts, Simmi

35. Zodiac sign: Taurus

36. Male or female or transgender: ?????

37. Elementary: ???????

38. School: Taraporewalla Montessori House of Children and Harvard P.S, Hyderabad

39. Colleges: OU, Asian College of Journalism

40. Hair color: Coloured Dark Chocolate :P

41. Long or short: Medium

42. Height: 5'2"

43. Do you have a crush on someone? Kimi Raikkonen

44. Ever been in love? Yes. Still am.

45. Piercings? Ears.

46. Tattoos? Nope.

47. Righty or lefty: All Righty Right.

48. First surgery: None

49. First piercing: Ears

50. First best friend: Prashant

51. First sport you loved: Cricket

52. First pet: None yet

53. First vacation: Can't remember honestly.

54. First concert: Might have been the Lata Mangeshkar concert at Hyderabad

55. First crush: Prashant.

RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: Shreedutta's head.

57. Drinking: Water.

58. I'm about to: Sleep.

59. Listening to: Hello Hurricane by Switchfoot

60. Waiting for: a free day in the life of ACJians.

YOUR/FUTURE
61. Want kids? Of Course.

62. Want to get married? Yes. AND not running away from the mandap :P

63. Careers in mind? Journalism, Teaching too.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
64. Lips or eyes: Eyes.

65. Hugs or kisses: Both. :P

66. Shorter or taller: Medium.

67. Older or Younger: Anything.

68. Romantic or spontaneous: Rom Rom Antic. :p

69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Ehh? Nice BRAIN.

70. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive

71. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

72. Trouble maker or hesitant: Both.

HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: Nope.

74. Lost glasses / contacts: Nope.

75. Broken someone's heart: Quite a few.

76. Had your own heart broken: Quite a few times.

77. Been arrested: No.

78. Turned someone down: Yes.

79. Cried when someone died: Yes.

80. Liked a friend that is a girl? Hell yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: Yeah.

82. Miracles: Yes.

83. God: Sachin, apparently. Otherwise, no.

84. Love at first sight: Totally!!

85. Heaven: Ehhh??

86. Santa Claus: No.

87. Kiss on the first date? Maybe.

88. Angels: Yes. The Human ones. Not the fairy tale ones.

89. Devils: Yes. The Human ones again.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
90. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes. :(

91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No.

92. Wanted to kill someone ever? YES.

93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss? PJ :P

94. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Many times.

95. Wanted to steal your friend's boyfriend / girlfriend? Why would I? I've got the best. :P

96. White: T-shirt

97. Black: Jeans.

98. Red: Shoes.

99. Pink: Bedsheet.

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Boring. :| :P :P

Open to anyone who wants to take it up :P

Lives of Others

It has been exactly one week since our trip to Mahabalipuram (Mamallapuram) and I still can't seem to get those images outside my head.

As is the routine with every tourist spot in India, Mahabs (as they call it here) has a huge influx of tourists - local and foreigners. Agreed that the architecture is spectacular and beaches are beautiful. Normally, it would have been an ideal weekend getaway on short budget. Amid the huge tourist influx, I wonder how many wait to notice the poor ladies selling beaded ornaments.

We reached there around 11 in the morning and were immediately hounded by a woman selling bead necklace. She was carrying a baby, carefully put up in a cloth bag hung across her chest. She was pregnant with another child. What was striking about this woman was, the baby was positioned right on her breast, while she continued to have her hands full with these beaded necklaces.

A little while later, as my friends negotiated on the price of hats being sold near the Shore Temple, I saw plenty other women like the earlier one. Most of them were carrying children, just like she was. The rest were pregnant. I was quite overwhelmed when I noticed that every one of these women either had a baby or was pregnant. And they seemed like they were in their early to mid-twenties.

I saw the first woman again. This time the baby had woken up and was crying. She kept yelling out, trying to sell the necklaces to anyone who was interested. At the same time, she tried hard to breast feed her baby and stop its crying.

Although it was a good trip with friends, I am still haunted with questions about those women.

I wonder what their life is like everyday. Children are a huge responsibility and to see them juggling motherhood with livelihood, just humbles me. I cannot imagine such a loss of privacy, but these women seem to have none.

One can't help but imagine...the lives of others.